A very angry customer called over the waiter to complain about the food, “This steak you brought me is really very bad”.

The waiter said, “Im very sorry, sir. Let me see to it.” Then the waiter picked the steak up and started smacking it, saying: “Naughty, naughty, naughty.” And tutning to the customer he added, “if it gives you any more trouble, just let me know.” (UK)

TRANSLATION FOR MY ITALIAN FRIENDS (TRADUZIONE PER I MIEI AMICI ITALIANI)

Un cliente molto arrabbiato chiama il cameriere del ristorante e si lamenta del cibo: “La bistecca che mi ha portato è cattiva.”

Il cameriere dice: “Mi dispiace molto, signore. Provvedo subito”.  Prende la bistecca e inizia a sbatterla gridando: ” Cattiva, cattiva, cattiva”. Quindi rivlogendosi al cliente, aggiunge: “Se le crea altri problemi me lo faccia sapere”. (UK)

Mrs Ellis was talking to her friend, “I don’t understand - she said, - two days ago a boy came to my door, knocked and, when I opened it, he asked me if Mr Ellis was in. I said he wasn’t and the boy raped me on the floor. Yesterday the same thing happened: he came, he asked about my husband and then he raped me on the floor. This morning I opened the door again, the boy asked me if my hisband was in and, when i said he wasn’t, he raped again on the floor. I really don’t understand.”

“That’s terrible - the friend said, - but what is that you don’t understand?”

“What does he want from my husband?” replied the woman. (UK)

A boastful TExan was riding a bus in London. Paasing by the Tower of London he said loudly,  “In Texas we can put up a building like that in one week”.

Some minutes later they passed near Westminster Abbey and he boasted, “In Texas we can build a church like that in two weeks”.

A little later, approaching Buckingham Palace, he asked the bus driver, “And what is that building over there?” “I don’t know, sir - the bus driver answered. - It wasn’t there yesterday”. (USA)

A man enters the ladies’ room by mistake, and the first woman who sees him starts to scream. He says to her, ” Hey, Madam, why are you screaming?”

The woman says, “But this is for women only!” The man points to his pinis and says, “So is this!” (USA)

A very fat lady got on a crowded bus and sid, “Is no one going to give me a seat?” A very little stood up and said, “I’ll make a small contribution.” (UK)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.’

2. My mother  taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’

3. My mother taught me about  TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!’

4. My  mother taught me LOGIC.
‘ Because I said so, that’s  why.’

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to
the store with me.’

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

7. My  mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

9. My mother taught me about  CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

12. My mother taught me about  HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!’

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do.’

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ‘You are going to get it when
you get home!’

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.’

19. My  mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?’

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand’

25. My mother taught  me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!’